Do
things in life happen for a reason or is each of us just riding the currents of
life with arbitrary coincidences and experiences that affect us randomly
without reason or purpose? I believe in God and His leading in my life, but
sometimes when life is totally out of control it is so easy to let
discouragement slip in and wonder why there is so much evil, why there is so
much suffering and why hard work is rewarded with the loss of everything one
has worked so hard for. “Why”—is that difficult word that has haunted so many
people and left the emptiness of many hearts yearning for answers that do not
seem to exist and painful questions that there seems to be no answer to.
Since
my diagnosis of terminal stage four liver and lung cancer last November, I wish
I could say that I have been able to accept without question, that I have been
able to trust and give it all to God, but I haven’t. . . Since writing my last
blog the end of January, I have truly struggled for answers and wanted to write
updates but been unsure of just what to say. Sitting at my kitchen table in
early February with a realtor, having a monetary value placed on something that
I have spent my entire adult life working for, leaving my home while random
strangers walked through it seeing all the faults that I have not had the
energy, money or time to fix—all these things have cut through my soul with many
feelings I have struggled to deal with. Knowing
I was going to have to say good-bye to my favorite rock where I had spent hours
pouring out my heart to God, seeing my dogwood trees, my daffodils and my blueberries
starting to bloom and knowing they would no longer belong to me, watching the
sunset from my living room window for the last time—yearning to trust, wanting
to believe that “all things work together for good”—these have all left me
struggling for answers, “Why God?” My
little church on the mountain with my special church family, especially Debbie,
that have been my inspiration and spiritual strength through all the hard times
while raising and educating my precious children, my special neighbors and
friends that have always been there—having to turn around and leave these
special people and my mountain is definitely one of the hardest things I have
ever had to do in my life, “Why God?”
Was
it just coincidence or did God directly send my friend Kim Hunt to stop by my
house a week ago Sunday to say hello and invited me to go horseback riding with
her on Thursday? I have always loved horses but never really had a chance to
ride. After many days of cold and rain, this particular day was gorgeous with fluffy,
white clouds in the sky, a soft wind whispering through the trees, fields full
of beautiful yellow flowers and new growth on the trees as we trotted over the
hills and through the woods. I felt God speak to my heart through the beauty
around me as I sat in the saddle and felt the muscular strength of the
confident animal that so effortlessly carried me, and I was reminded of the
insignificance of my problems in the grand scheme of the world that surrounds
me. Through the years, I have realized how easy it is to become fixated on the
small stuff that at the time may seem so monumental but in God’s great universe
is really very insignificant! The “small stuff” though seemingly insignificant
to others is the fiber that makes up our lives in this world in which we live. The
balance of life is so fragile, and when it becomes out of sync it leaves us
struggling to regain our stability.
While
packing I ran across an old book that I haven’t read in many years, written in
1962 by Carlyle Haynes. God Sent a Man, is the biblical story of the
life of Joseph. In the forward the author states, “I would have you believe
that the universe and everything in it, including every person and the whole of
each person’s environment, with every event, every occurrence, every occasion,
both good and bad, together with all human history, its wars, its victories and
defeats, its developments and changes, its dynasties and reigns, are in the
hands and under the control of beneficent God; and that ‘in everything God
works for good with those who love Him, who are called according to His purpose.’
” The story of Joseph has always been a
favorite of mine and reading this book at this time is my life, I believe was
God’s way of reaching out to my struggling, human, cancer sick soul with the
hope. Yes, life is hard, but truly God IS and always HAS been in control.
Joseph, the beloved son of a doting father, hated by his brothers, dreamer of dreams that seemed to signify an important future, sold as a slave, a commoner on the slave block, lied about after years of faithful service, thrown into prison and then forgotten and alone after helping his fellow prisoners—Joseph, who
after years of discouraging events, was able to say to his brothers, “I am
Joseph your brother, whom
you sold into Egypt. But now, do not therefore be grieved or angry with
yourselves because you sold
me here; . . . God sent me before you"(Genesis 45:4-7). YOU sold me, but
really it was a God thing,
GOD sent me—such trust, such faith, such forgiveness! As I struggle with my
life, my cancer, my losses, to not only say but really believe to the depth of
my soul, "God, I don't understand, but it is YOUR plan, my life is in YOUR
hands—everything that has happened, and is happening is really a God thing!
My dear friend, Kim Ericson, sister
to my heart, sent me the words to Twila Paris song: Warrior Is a Child lyric:
Lately I've been
winning battles left and right
But even winners
can get wounded in the fight
People say that
I'm amazing
I'm strong
beyond my years
But they don't
see inside of me
I'm hiding all
the tears
Chorus:
They don't know
that I come running home when I fall down
They don't know
who picks me up when no one is around
I drop my sword
and cry for just a while
(Look up for His
smile)
'Coz deep inside
this armor
The warrior is a
child
(Aahhh)
Unafraid because
His arrow is the best
But even
soldiers need a quiet place to rest
People say that
I'm amazing
I never face
retreat, oh no
But they don't
see the enemies
That lay me at
His feet
Chorus:
They don't know
that I come running home when I fall down
They don't know
who picks me up when no one is around
I drop my sword
and cry for just a while
(Look up for His
smile)
'Coz deep inside
this armor
The warrior is a
child
(Aahhh)
I
love the words to that song because as Twila Paris says, "Lately I've been
winning battles left and right!" Cancer is a terrible thing, but through
this battle God has even now brought wonderful changes to my life. I no longer
have to leave my family every weekend to go to Atlanta to work! I really miss
my wonderful Northside family, but I no longer have to struggle with sleep deprivation
because I am working all night then going to class the next day. My God fearing
professors at Southern Adventist University allowed me to graduate last
December with no pressure on finishing my degree. My life has gone from crazy
busy to time for my family, my friends, and time to "stop and smell the
roses!" My oncologist, Dr. Nadeau, had told me the best that I could hope
for was for the slowing of the growth of my tumors, but my most recent CT scan
on March 11, 2013, showed not only no
growth, but every tumor in my body had decreased in size! By human medical standards,
these changes are totally against the diagnosis of Cholangiocarcinoma, MY diagnosis, which I was told is incurable
and a lethal, extremely aggressive malignancy. My
cancer had metastasized to my lungs when diagnosed, which made surgery, the
only potentially curative treatment, out of the question for the advance stage
of my disease. A random chance or a miracle? Cancer. Is it the enemy that
invaded my body when I have tried to live a clean, healthy life with good
nutrition, get adequate exercise, and have faith in God. Though the years I have given my all so I
could be independent, make a difference and support and educate myself and my
family. Was this by chance or was it an opportunity for God to work miracles in
my life?
My house, with the
instability of our economy, sold in two weeks with three families bidding on
it. The greatest miracle being that the wonderful Christian family who bought
it is the son and daughter-in-law to my neighbors. They called me after the papers
were signed to tell me of their prayers for my recovery and to encourage me
with the fact that they had not bought it for profit. Someday, God willing, they
will sell it back to us if we so desire. I was given that glimmer of hope that
helped to sustain me through those heart wrenching days when I had to say
good-bye to a house that was mine only because of a lifetime of hard work, but that
now was impossible to take care of with my diagnosis. The day after I gave my
home into the hands of the realtor, my beloved friend, Karen Harrington, my
daughter’s mother-in-law, came and spent three days with me. Karen is the
survivor of a tragedy, who has had the ability to turn her tragedy into a
special gift of giving emotional support, financial resources, compassion and
love to other families struggling with issues that she can understand and
identify with. I was so blessed by her visit because she helped me turn my
thinking around and recapture my dreams that had become buried by the craziness
of my hectic life and my shattering diagnosis of terminal cancer.
After the contract on
my house was signed, I had an appointment to go to Atlanta to meet with my CPA
to complete my 2012 taxes. Since I had continued to travel to Atlanta every
weekend till the middle of November, it was easier to file with someone that I
had used for six years and knew my personal and financial history. I scheduled
this appointment last February and God’s timing was so precise that it was
perfect for my need to get away, be comforted and be surround by so much love
and support! I thoroughly enjoyed going back to Atlanta, spending time with my
wonderful, supportive friends Janice, Kathleen and Justina, and then having the
opportunity to go back to Northside Hospital where I was amazed at the
outpouring of faith, support and love. My heart was touched and my courage
renewed, as I was engulfed by the tears in the eyes of these wonderful people
who have been my family every weekend for the past seven years. I was given a
book that was so lovingly put together by Tamera Anderson with pictures, words
of conformation and inspiring letters of love. There were so many people I
wanted to see that were not there that night. But to each of you: You are in my
heart, and I continue to be uplifted by your friendship, love, support and
prayers! I cherish each one of you, and even though we are separated by miles,
you are in my heart every day, and I treasure the hope of continuing our
friendship—staying in contact is SO important to me!
Several weeks ago, again the timing
was such a God think, Diane Avant planned a special lunch at the English Rose
Tearoom with four wonderful people, friends from years ago who have all had their
lives nearly crushed by cancer but God and His love have triumphed! Listening
to each story, sharing God’s goodness and just the companionship of special
people who have been there was a memory I will cherish forever!
I have to mention the
phone calls from my special friend Donna Duff, who hardly lets a day go by
without checking in with words of encouragement, support and love—such a God
thing! Donna, you have inspired me so much to hang in there, keep going and
never give up! Also Tina, I know I NEVER would have made it through school
without you! Such a daunting undertaking that has stressed our “simpleton
brains to the max,” but through our many ups and down you have always believed
in me! You never let me quit even though I knew I would not survive.I KNOW my
wonderful friendships that I have made and will cherish deep in my heart for
the rest of my life are one of the most important reasons God sent me back to school,
and to then later to Southern Adventist University to continue and hopefully
one day finish my degree! I also have to say a special thank you to my special sister-in-law, Terri, for being there with me through all my chemo and doctor appointments, and for always calling afterwards to check in on me to make sure I am OK!
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Last week after my
wonderful horseback riding experience, Meagan and I had the privilege of
attending a very special wedding. Kim Ericson has been my special friend since
sixth grade, but more like a sister because our family lives have been so
entwined throughout the years. We have laughed and cried together, shared
secrets, the birth of our children, the struggles of motherhood and the
uncertainties of life—I have watched all three of her girls grow up. They are
very special, beautiful girls that I love very much! Talia, her youngest
daughter and a beautiful bride, pledged her love and her life to the man of her
dreams on Sunday. I was uplifted and
inspired to be able to be a part in the beautiful outdoor ceremony in the
gorgeous mountains of North Carolina. Young love, dreams for the future,
health, hope and happiness are worlds apart from sickness and cancer! When days
are dark and sometimes the sun is covered by dark clouds, it is so inspiring to
be able to step back and see the newness of spring, the beauty of life through
the eyes of the young. Thank you, Talia, for allowing me to be a part of your
beautiful day! Your day renewed my faith!
My fear in writing this
blog is that there are so many special people in my life who have been there
for me, touched my heart and life, lifted me on wings of love and prayer, and
supported me through the day by day ups and downs—I love you each and every
one! I am only surviving by your daily love and support! (If I haven’t
mentioned your name, you are not forgotten. You are deeply loved. But believe
me a chemo brain is a very real thing)—THANK YOU! So to my wonderful children, my mother and
family, Debbie, Linda, Carri, Jodi, Kim, Salli, Heidi and a multitude of
others— I could not, would not have survived without you, and I KNOW God put
each one of you in my life for a very special purpose.
I had an appointment with Dr. Nadeau yesterday before starting round six of my chemo treatments. He is amazed at my progress, the shrinkage of my tumors, my overall health and my ability to bounce back after each treatment. The biggest issue I am dealing with is the gradual decline in my white blood cell count and platelets—each time dropping a little lower and without the comeback to being within normal limits. Three weeks ago Dr. Nadeau had me take a three day round of Neupogen, a drug that causes the bone marrow to produce more white blood cells. Unfortunately, one of the side effects is bone aches and flu like symptoms which have totally wiped me out. Since then I have been researching natural foods and ways to accomplish this same goal without the drug. I was pleased to see an increase in both my WBCs and platelets. Unfortunately, it was not quite enough so Dr. Nadeau still wants me to get the shots for three consecutive days. Many times natural remedies take longer, so even though it is discouraging to have to get the shots again, I am hopeful as time goes on the natural route will give me the desired results. I am so thankful for my time at Eden Valley and the faith and generosity of my church family and Donna McNeilus that made it a reality. Yesterday in the office, Dr. Nadeau stated his long term goal at this time is to get me through nine rounds of chemo, each round being three weeks with two weekly consecutive doses and then one week off. He then wants to let my body have a rest and monitor my tumors through scans, my energy level and symptoms. He keeps gently reminding me that Cholangiocarcinoma, MY diagnosis, is incurable and a lethal, extremely aggressive malignancy. Helen Keller knew what it meant to struggle with adversity and she once said, “Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, vision cleared, ambition inspired and success achieved.” Oh God, I’m so tired of character growth . . .
Dr. Nadeau,
based on his medical knowledge and education, can predict what my cancer will
do, but he did agree with me that my course has surprised him. I have done far
better than he ever dreamed. Before Christmas he told me to go home and enjoy
the holidays with my family because I only had ten to twelve months left to
live. As I have reflected on these past months of my life, I have
become even more aware that even though cancer is a terrible thing, God has used
it and is using it in my life for growth. Those of you who know me best, know
my love for quotes—several of my favorites are: “What doesn’t kill you makes
you strong.” “My attitude is the only thing in life I have control of.” “The difference between stumbling blocks and stepping stones
is how you use them.” So I come back to my original question: Do things in
life happen for a reason or is each of us just riding the currents of life with
arbitrary coincidences and experiences that affects us randomly without reason
or purpose? I believe, even though I struggle, that God is in control of my
life and my days, “Seeing his (my) days
are determined, the number of his (my) months are with Thee” (Job 15:5). So
whatever my future holds, whether I live or die, whether I am healed or
continue to struggle and suffer, only God knows—I find great comfort in my
faith and knowing that God does care, and He can and will use my situation.
Each life is precious in His sight, and if one person is brought closer to
Jesus because of my illness then I am truly humbled that God sees me fit to be
a vessel for His use.
Life is but a weaving between my Lord
and me;
I cannot choose the colors He worketh steadily.
Oft times He weaveth sorrow and I, in foolish pride,
Forget He sees the upper, and I the underside.
Not til the loom is silent and the shuttles cease to fly,
Shall God unroll the canvas and explain the reason why.
The dark threads are as needful in the Weaver's skillful hand,
As the threads of gold and silver in the pattern He has planned.
He knows, He loves, He cares, nothing this truth can dim.
He gives His very best to those who leave the choice with Him. UNKNOWN
I cannot choose the colors He worketh steadily.
Oft times He weaveth sorrow and I, in foolish pride,
Forget He sees the upper, and I the underside.
Not til the loom is silent and the shuttles cease to fly,
Shall God unroll the canvas and explain the reason why.
The dark threads are as needful in the Weaver's skillful hand,
As the threads of gold and silver in the pattern He has planned.
He knows, He loves, He cares, nothing this truth can dim.
He gives His very best to those who leave the choice with Him. UNKNOWN
When we were in the middle of moving, I was struggling, time was
running short and everyone was completely over it, Eric came up to me and put
his arm around me and said, “Just remember Mom what you’ve always taught us, it’s
all just sand castles!” What more can I say—God is SO good, and I am SO
blessed!
I have to close with a Bible verse that has been one of my
favorites through the years—God knows my mistakes, my weakness and my
struggles—
I waited patiently for the Lord; and he inclined unto me, and heard my
cry.
He brought
me up also out of a horrible pit, out of the miry clay, and set my feet upon a
rock, and established my goings.
And he hath put a new song in my mouth,
even praise unto our God: many shall see it, and fear, and shall trust in the Lord. . .
Many, O Lord my God, are Your wonderful works which You
have done, and Your thoughts which are towards us: they cannot be reckoned up
in order unto You: if I would declare and speak of them, they are more than can
be numbered. . . .
Withhold not Your tender mercies from me, O Lord: let Your loving kindness and Your truth
continually preserve me.
For innumerable evils have compassed me about: mine
iniquities have taken hold upon me, so that I am not able to look up; they are
more than the hairs of my head: therefore my heart fails me. . .
Be
pleased, O Lord, to deliver me: O Lord, make haste to help me. . . .
But I am
poor and needy; yet the Lord thinks about me: You are my help and my deliverer;
make no tarrying, O my God.
Psalms
40
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