Fall is in the air! As I sit at my bedroom window watching the birds at the birdfeeder and the leaves beginning to turn colors, I can’t help but wonder—Where has time gone?

Was it only a little over a year ago that I thought I had life figured out? I totally thought I was living God’s plan for my life . . . Joshua would be finished with Christian schools which would end expensive tuition payments, and at fifty-five I was almost finished with school myself. I never thought I was smart enough to get a BSN, much less a masters in nursing, but step-by-step God was working miracles in my life.  It was so exciting to be almost finished—FINALLY after such a long, long road I was going to be able to breath a little easier financially. I thought my plans were on track . . . .

True, I was struggling with extreme fatigue and my terrible cough—I kept pushing the nagging feeling away that something was terribly wrong while I tried desperately to hold on to the facts. Yes, I was exhausted, but didn’t I have reason? I was working full-time nights in Atlanta, tackling a heavy school load, caring for my 88 year old mother, and trying to spend every possible moment I could with my children—wasn’t that enough to make anyone tired? After an appointment with the pulmonologist, who did a complete allergy, pulmonary work up, I was told I needed to slow down. Now I look back on my response with a smile, “I CAN’T until May when I finish school!” Oh how fragile life is and how easy it is to get our priorities so out of whack—

I have been working on my capstone on cancer for my degree, a literature review using myself as the case study. WOW! I KNOW what God is doing in my life is a miracle, but to read in black and white from the American Cancer Society that liver cancer that has metastasis has less then a three percent survival rate is startling. Closer to home than even that are studies done on Cholangiocarcinoma—mine had engulfed three-forth of my liver and metastasis to my lungs with “nodules too numerous to count . . .” As I have read the literature, I am truly humbled at my health today and feel awed that God has chosen me as a direct miracle of His power and grace.

A special friend posed a question to me that has given me a lot of food for thought:

“Like He did for Hezekiah, God is giving you more earthly time, Shirley. Do you know how you are going to repay Him yet?”

Hezekiah’s story is a fascinating one and definitely a great miracle in the Bible. Not only did God heal Hezekiah, but He was willing to move the shadow on the sundial back in order to give Hezekiah the sign he was looking for. The Bible doesn’t tell much about his illness only “he was sick and near death,” and God’s prophet told him, “Set your house in order for you shall die, and not live.” The Bible story doesn’t end there though because it goes on to tell how he turned his face to the wall and prayed, “Remember me now, O Lord I pray, how I have walked before You in truth and with a loyal heart, and have done what was good in Your sight. And Hezekiah wept bitterly.” God heard in Heaven and answered the king’s prayer—“I have heard your prayer, I have seen your tears; surely I will heal you”(2 Kings 20:1-11). What an awesome story, but what a tragic end—God healed Hezekiah, God not only stopped the sun in the sky but also moved it backwards according to the sign requested, but Hezekiah forgot. This powerful king who loved the Lord with all his heart, who brought great reformation to the Israelite nation, who witnessed a mighty solar event on his behalf, and then who was healed—when ambassadors from a foreign nation came to inquire about the phenomena he forgot to give God the glory . . . 

WOW—what a story! To be compared to Hezekiah is an honor but yet truly a scary thought. Human nature has not changed over the last three thousand plus years, and it is still so easy when one is walking on the mountaintops of life to feel in control and forget the valleys. Could that be why Jesus said, “And again I say to you, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God” (Matthew 19:24)

These last six months have truly been some of the best of my life—I have had time to enjoy my children, my mother, my family, and my friends. I haven’t had to rush off to Atlanta to work every Saturday night. I have gotten regular sleep without having to flip-flop between days and nights as a nurse. I have gone through chemo without losing my hair and very little side effects. I have enjoyed exercising in the beautiful outdoors with my dogs, and I have enjoyed traveling to see my children and friends—I truly have had time to stop and smell the roses! God is SO good and I feel SO blessed! Most incredible though is the miracle God has chosen to work in my life TODAY! No one knows what tomorrow holds . . .

SO to answer the question, “How will I repay God for extending my life;” I have to tell a story. J Those of you who know me best know how I have struggled with school. If it hadn’t been for Tina, Carrie, Donna and Linda I know I would have quit so many times! Tests are not my friend, and I suffer from terrible test anxiety. Two of the most difficult classes in the masters program are Primary Care of Adults I and II, which require a eighty percent test score average to pass the class. Saying I have struggled is putting it mildly—each test has been a stressful, prayerful endeavor for me. I passed PCA I with slightly better than an eighty percent on my tests, which gave me a B+ in the class, so I was elated! I was struggling with PCA II because the material was tough; I was exhausted and did not know just how sick I was. I had lab work drawn but never realized how elevated my liver enzymes were until two weeks later, which was nothing short of a miracle, because I am convinced God was not ready for me to drop out of school. On Tuesday, November 13^th I took my test on several subjects, which included Hepatobiliary— “relating to, situated in or near, produced in, or affecting the liver and bile, bile ducts, and gallbladder” (Webster Dictionary). The test was hard, I wanted to cry, I knew I was failing, and I told God IF I failed I was finished with school! I was so close to the eighty percent I knew I could never recover if I failed that test. I had been feeling SO exhausted with coughing spasms that wracked my entire body, and I had hardly had the energy to walk to class. The week before this I had fallen for no apparent reason so deep in my gut I knew something was incredibly wrong. Taking that test was one of the lowest points of my life because not only would I fail, but I had huge educational loans loaming over my head—“Oh God,” my heart cried out as I fought to keep control! All of my classmates were finished, and I could not bring myself to push the submit button on the computer which would immediately give me my score . . . Finally, mustering all the courage I could, but with a defeated attitude, I pushed the button—I knew I was dyslectic when a ninety-six percent popped up on the screen. I finished that test at the top of my class. The next day I received the call that my liver enzymes were dangerously high, the day after that, November 15, 2012, I had my CT scan and then everything in my life came crashing down around me. As I looked at the picture of my charbroiled liver and lungs that were full of lesions and several hours later sat in the office of the physician’s assistant, who was also my dear friend, and heard the words—CANCER, AGGRESSIVE, NO CURE, I felt as if a knife was ripping my heart out. As I saw everyone’s tear-stained face— I KNEW my life would never again be the same! TERMINAL CANCER . . . those terrifying words that suddenly make every problem you thought you ever had shrink into oblivion . . .

I will never forget the next forty-eight hours—every word, every thought, every feeling, every tear, every hug is engraved permanently into the core of my soul as if my life was passing before me in slow motion. My deepest pain was looking into the eyes of my precious children and feeling powerless to take away the agony that I knew was tearing them apart at the core.  “God, PLEASE! I don’t want to die!” I believe when trauma becomes intense enough to crush out life, the mind mercifully shuts down  . . . Because after that, the next month of my life is nothing but a blur . . .

I waited patiently for the Lord;
And He inclined to me,
And heard my cry.

 He also brought me up out of a horrible pit,
Out of the miry clay,
And set my feet upon a rock,
And established my steps.

He has put a new song in my mouth—
Praise to our God;
Many will see it and fear,
And will trust in the Lord. Psalms 40:1-3

For years this chapter in Psalms has been one of my favorites and given me hope on many a dark night when I was struggling with the demons in my life.  As the single mother of four children facing all the problems of a crazy world, God HAS “inclined to me and heard my cry” —time after time after time. After the past year though, this chapter has taken on even a deeper meaning to me; and I believe the answer to my question lies in this wonderful psalm of King David.

I have proclaimed the good news of righteousness
In the great assembly;
Indeed, I do not restrain my lips,
O Lord, You Yourself know.
 I have not hidden Your righteousness within my heart;
I have declared Your faithfulness and Your salvation;
I have not concealed Your lovingkindness and Your truth
From the great assembly. Psalm 40:9,10

Another one of my favorite verses that has so many times given me the strength to carry on as I have struggled with work, home life and school—

Thus says God the Lord,
Who created the heavens and stretched them out,
Who spread forth the earth and that which comes from it,
Who gives breath to the people on it,
And spirit to those who walk on it:

I, the Lord, have called You in righteousness,
And will hold Your hand;
I will keep You and give You as a covenant to the people,
As a light to the Gentiles,
To open blind eyes,
To bring out prisoners from the prison,
Those who sit in darkness from the prison house.

I am the Lord, that is My name. Isaiah 42:5-8

Going back to school has truly been a God thing in my life, and the way I have felt I could give back a little of what I have so freely been given. Everywhere one turns is brokenness—God, the Creator of the Universe has called me to serve Him and promises to hold my hand as I minister to those in need. Since my cancer diagnosis I have experienced first hand the helplessness and brokenness that tears human lives apart. When God chose to heal Hezekiah He gave specific instructions, “Then Isaiah said, ‘Take a lump of figs.’ So they took and laid it on the boil, and he recovered” (Isaiah 20:7). There is not a doubt in my mind that God healed Hezekiah but, that being said, there are things that we as humans can do to aid in our healing and prevent illness. Through my illness I have learned so much through my juicing, hot baths, infer-red treatments, plant-based whole-grain diet, supplements and the list goes on and on. TRUST in God is the cornerstone to healing, but sometime God does not intervene—We live in a world of sin. Long ago in the Garden of Eden because of His supreme love, God allowed the human race the power of choice to choose the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil. Whether God continues to heal me or my disease takes its natural course is not mine to question—I know this world is not my final home! I long with all my heart for the day when Jesus comes to end the hurt, pain and suffering and take us home to live in a place that is not touched by human suffering.

So how do I repay the God of the Universe, my Creator, my Redeemer for sustaining my life? I can’t—there is nothing I can ever do to repay God for what He has done for me! He gave His most precious gift—His Son! This being said, I believe there is a way I can show my gratitude, my love—I find my answer in Matthew 25:31-40

When the Son of Man comes in His glory… the King will say to those on His right hand, ‘Come, you blessed of My Father, inherit the kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world: for I was hungry and you gave Me food; I was thirsty and you gave Me drink; I was a stranger and you took Me in; I was naked and you clothed Me; I was sick and you visited Me; I was in prison and you came to Me. Then the righteous will answer Him, saying, ‘Lord, when did we see You hungry and feed You, or thirsty and give You drink? When did we see You a stranger and take You in, or naked and clothe You? Or when did we see You sick, or in prison, and come to You? And the King will answer and say to them,

Assuredly, I say to you, inasmuch as you did it to one of the least of these My brethren, YOU DID IT TO ME!

I believe with all my heart that God has a special work for me to do as a nurse practitioner. My prayer is that I will be found worthy to use this knowledge as a tool to minister to a suffering world, that through this ministry I will be able to exemplify the incredible love of Jesus who was willing to leave heaven to come to this world to die for me. He was willing to come as a servant to take away the misrepresentation that God was a vengeful tyrant and prove to the entire universe that God is LOVE!

            Come, Thou Fount of every blessing, tune my heart to sing thy grace; 

Streams of mercy, never ceasing, call for songs of loudest praise. 

Teach me ever to adore Thee, may I still Thy goodness prove

While the hope of endless glory fills my heart with joy and love.         

Here I raise mine Ebenezer; hither by Thy help I'm come; 

And I hope, by Thy good pleasure, safely to arrive at home. 

Jesus sought me when a stranger, wandering from the fold of God; 

He, to rescue me from danger, interposed his precious blood. 

O, to grace how great a debtor daily I'm constrained to be!

Let thy goodness, like a fetter, bind my wandering heart to thee.        

Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it, prone to leave the God I love;

                       

                           Here's my heart, O take and seal it,

                          Seal it for thy courts above.

                                                       --Robert Robinson