Therefore I say to you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink; nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air, for they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they?                 Matt 6:25, 26

I love Bible promises! Through the years, while raising my children as a single mom, so many times when I felt I just couldn’t face another problem, certain special promises would speak to that longing deep inside my soul. I would find the comfort that I needed and the courage to face another day. So many times when I did not know where my next dollar was coming from, when the bills exceeded my meager income, Matt 6:25-34 gave me comfort—I was more important to God than the birds of the air and the flowers in the field! I had never really thought about “Therefore I say to you, do not worry about your life”. . .

Last week was one of the saddest weeks of my life—I attended two funerals in one weekend. My heart was heavy as I witnessed my special friend Joy grieve the unexpected loss of her husband and my special friend Debbie grieve the loss of her mother. . . as I grieved with my friends, I couldn’t help but think about the fragility of life—my own terminal diagnosis! My fourth CT scan was scheduled for last week, August 1, and I had recurring nightmares that my lungs were full of cancer, that I was going to die! Several times I woke up hardly able to breathe because it seemed so real!  “Therefore I say to you, do not worry about your life”. . . hit me yesterday because I have read and reread those verses all my life but never really read them.

Almost 9 months ago when I received my diagnosis of Cholangiocarcinoma, it seemed a death sentence. Unwilling to accept what seemed to be the inevitable, I immediately began researching alternative methods. God blessed me with funding so I was able to attend Eden Valley, a holistic lifestyle center nestled in a quiet valley among the foothills of the Rocky Mountains of Colorado. Incorporating the holistic knowledge I learned there—vegan diet, hot baths, which induce a fever and infer red treatments, adequate rest, lots of exercise and trusting in God. These natural alternatives along with chemo, have given me a sense of well being I never dreamed possible after my diagnosis. My doctor repeated my CT scan on March 11, 2013 and a miracle had occurred in my body—not only had my tumors stopped growing, but they all had shrunk! I had been petrified of chemo because of past experiences as a young nurse witnessing the horrible effects it had had on the body of my patients. I feel so fortunate that I have not experienced any of those horrible side affects. I have not even lost my hair, and people who see me tell me I look the picture of health, even better than last year before I was diagnosed. On May 13, 2013 I had my third CT with my doctor gently reminding me that Cholangiocarcinoma was terminal and the statistics were not in my favor. “I sought the Lord, and He heard me, and delivered me from all my fears . . . I would have lost heart, unless I had believed . . .Wait on the Lord; Be of good courage, and He shall strengthen your heart; Wait I say on the Lord! (Psalms 34:4; 27:13,14) Again, my results were amazing! Dr. Nadeau was amazed.

On June 5 I boarded a plane along with Meagan, Eric and Joshua to go visit Wes and Jessica in California. It was wonderful to have my family together and to “pretend” cancer was not a part of our lives. I have always dreamed of going to Yosemite and while in California I was able to check it off my bucket list. At my last doctor appointment, I had shared with Dr. Nadeau my dream of climbing Half Dome—I think he just humored me with his request for a picture. After all, people with stage four liver and lung cancer just don’t do such things. He gently reminded me to be sure I took my valium. Before my diagnosis I had a horrible chronic cough that left me always exhausted and for some reason one valium a day controlled it. I was so excited because shortly before my third CT I had been able to wean myself off of it without my cough returning. The huge blessings in life! J Dr. Nadeau was concerned that the high altitude that I wasn’t use to might bring back my cough.

On November 15, 2012 I was diagnosed with incurable, terminal cancer—at that time in my life, I could not complete a sentence without a coughing spasm or walk to the bathroom by myself!  On June 10, six months later, I hiked to Half Dome, 17 miles in one day, with an altitude gain of 4,800 feet to a total of 8,842 feet!

  

Who has measured the waters in the hollow of His hand,
Measured heaven with a span
And calculated the dust of the earth in a measure?
Weighed the mountains in scales
And the hills in a balance?

 Have you not known?
Have you not heard?
Has it not been told you from the beginning?
Have you not understood from the foundations of the earth?
 It is He who sits above the circle of the earth,
And its inhabitants are like grasshoppers,

The everlasting God, the Lord,
The Creator of the ends of the earth,
Neither faints nor is weary.
His understanding is unsearchable.
 He gives power to the weak,
And to those who have no might He increases strength.
 Even the youths shall faint and be weary,
And the young men shall utterly fall,
 But those who wait on the Lord
Shall renew their strength;
They shall mount up with wings like eagles,
They shall run and not be weary,
They shall walk and not faint. Isaiah 40

In closing I think this quote sums it up perfectly…

It is so hard to keep running when the road is all up hill, when discouragement presses in on all sides, when darkness hides the path from our eyes and our humanness is physically and mentally exhausted. I find great comfort in the Biblical story of Elijah. After God shut up the heavens and no ran fell for three and a half years according to his word, after he was miraculously feed by ravens, after God directly sent fire down from heaven to consume his alter, and finally after God answered his prayer and sent a mighty rainstorm—this same Elijah ran from an angry woman (1 Kings 17-19). I love the fact that the Bible is full of stories of men and woman who became discouraged, men and women who made mistakes but took those mistakes, repented of these mistakes and then used them as stepping stones to became great heroes for the cause of God.

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God has worked great miracles in my life but He understands my fears, He understands my fatigue and most of all He remembers that I am human! God “knows how we are formed, He remembers that we are dust” (Psalm 103:14). I have not been able to have chemo lately because my white blood cell count and platelets have been too low. In fact, I have only had it once since going to California. I was very discouraged after I came back from California to find they were still well below normal. I was discouraged which made me afraid because I temporally forgot that I can trust my life, my cancer, my days to God. I felt like I couldn’t stand to have to wait, to not know for another weekend for the results of my CT, after all what if . . .

            God knows, He understands and He gently reminds me, “Therefore I say to you, do not worry about your life . . .”