Therefore I
say to you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or what you will
drink; nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food
and the body more than clothing? Look
at the birds of the air, for they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns;
yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? Matt 6:25, 26
I love Bible promises! Through the years, while
raising my children as a single mom, so many times when I felt I just couldn’t
face another problem, certain special promises would speak to that longing deep
inside my soul. I would find the comfort that I needed and the courage to face
another day. So many times when I did not know where my next dollar was coming
from, when the bills exceeded my meager income, Matt 6:25-34 gave me comfort—I
was more important to God than the birds of the air and the flowers in the
field! I had never really thought about “Therefore
I say to you, do not worry about your life”. . .
Last week was one of the saddest weeks of my
life—I attended two funerals in one weekend. My heart was heavy as I witnessed
my special friend Joy grieve the unexpected loss of her husband and my special
friend Debbie grieve the loss of her mother. . . as I grieved with my friends,
I couldn’t help but think about the fragility of life—my own terminal
diagnosis! My fourth CT scan was scheduled for last week, August 1, and I had
recurring nightmares that my lungs were full of cancer, that I was going to
die! Several times I woke up hardly able to breathe because it seemed so
real! “Therefore I say to you, do not worry about your life”. . . hit me
yesterday because I have read and reread those verses all my life but never
really read them.
Almost 9 months ago when I received my diagnosis
of Cholangiocarcinoma, it seemed a
death sentence. Unwilling to accept what seemed to be the inevitable, I
immediately began researching alternative methods. God blessed me with funding
so I was able to attend Eden Valley, a holistic lifestyle center nestled in a quiet
valley among the foothills of the Rocky Mountains of Colorado. Incorporating
the holistic knowledge I learned there—vegan diet, hot baths, which induce a
fever and infer red treatments, adequate rest, lots of exercise and trusting in
God. These natural alternatives along with chemo, have given me a sense of well
being I never dreamed possible after my diagnosis. My doctor repeated my CT
scan on March 11, 2013 and a miracle had occurred in my body—not only had my
tumors stopped growing, but they all had shrunk! I had been petrified of chemo
because of past experiences as a young nurse witnessing the horrible effects it
had had on the body of my patients. I feel so fortunate that I have not experienced
any of those horrible side affects. I have not even lost my hair, and people
who see me tell me I look the picture of health, even better than last year
before I was diagnosed. On May 13, 2013 I had my third CT with my doctor gently
reminding me that Cholangiocarcinoma
was terminal and the statistics were not in my favor. “I sought the Lord, and
He heard me, and delivered me from all my fears . . . I would have lost heart,
unless I had believed . . .Wait on the Lord; Be of good courage, and He shall
strengthen your heart; Wait I say on the Lord! (Psalms 34:4; 27:13,14) Again,
my results were amazing! Dr. Nadeau was amazed.
On June 5 I boarded a plane along with Meagan, Eric
and Joshua to go visit Wes and Jessica in California. It was wonderful to have
my family together and to “pretend” cancer was not a part of our lives. I have
always dreamed of going to Yosemite and while in California I was able to check
it off my bucket list. At my last doctor appointment, I had shared with Dr.
Nadeau my dream of climbing Half Dome—I think he just humored me with his
request for a picture. After all, people with stage four liver and lung cancer
just don’t do such things. He gently reminded me to be sure I took my valium.
Before my diagnosis I had a horrible chronic cough that left me always
exhausted and for some reason one valium a day controlled it. I was so excited
because shortly before my third CT I had been able to wean myself off of it
without my cough returning. The huge blessings in life! J Dr. Nadeau was
concerned that the high altitude that I wasn’t use to might bring back my
cough.
On November 15, 2012 I was diagnosed with incurable, terminal
cancer—at that time in my life, I could not complete a sentence without a
coughing spasm or walk to the bathroom by myself! On June 10, six months later, I hiked to Half
Dome, 17 miles in one day, with an altitude gain of 4,800 feet to a total of
8,842 feet!
Who has measured
the waters in
the hollow of His hand,
Measured heaven with a span
And calculated the dust of the earth in a measure?
Weighed the mountains in scales
And the hills in a balance?
Have you not
known?
Have you not heard?
Has it not been told you from the beginning?
Have you not understood from the foundations of the earth?
It
is He who sits above the circle of the earth,
And its inhabitants are like grasshoppers,
The everlasting God, the Lord,
The Creator of the ends of the earth,
Neither faints nor is weary.
His understanding is unsearchable.
He gives power to the weak,
And to those who have no might He increases
strength.
Even the youths shall faint and be
weary,
And the young men shall utterly fall,
But those who wait on the Lord
Shall renew their strength;
They shall mount up with wings like eagles,
They shall run and not be weary,
They shall walk and not faint. Isaiah 40
In closing I think this quote
sums it up perfectly…
It is so hard to keep running
when the road is all up hill, when discouragement presses in on all sides, when
darkness hides the path from our eyes and our humanness is physically and
mentally exhausted. I find great comfort in the Biblical story of Elijah. After
God shut up the heavens and no ran fell for three and a half years according to
his word, after he was miraculously feed by ravens, after God directly sent
fire down from heaven to consume his alter, and finally after God answered his
prayer and sent a mighty rainstorm—this same Elijah ran from an angry woman (1
Kings 17-19). I love the fact that the Bible is full of stories of men and
woman who became discouraged, men and women who made mistakes but took those
mistakes, repented of these mistakes and then used them as stepping stones to
became great heroes for the cause of God.
_________________________________________________
God has worked great miracles in my life but He understands my
fears, He understands my fatigue and most of all He remembers that I am human!
God “knows how we are formed, He remembers that we are dust” (Psalm 103:14). I
have not been able to have chemo lately because my white blood cell count and
platelets have been too low. In fact, I have only had it once since going to
California. I was very discouraged after I came back from California to find
they were still well below normal. I was discouraged which made me afraid
because I temporally forgot that I can trust my life, my cancer, my days to
God. I felt like I couldn’t stand to have to wait, to not know for another
weekend for the results of my CT, after all what if . . .
God knows, He understands and He gently reminds me, “Therefore I say to you, do not worry about your
life . . .”
