Do things in life happen for a reason or is each of us just riding the currents of life with arbitrary coincidences and experiences that affect us randomly without reason or purpose? I believe in God and His leading in my life, but sometimes when life is totally out of control it is so easy to let discouragement slip in and wonder why there is so much evil, why there is so much suffering and why hard work is rewarded with the loss of everything one has worked so hard for. “Why”—is that difficult word that has haunted so many people and left the emptiness of many hearts yearning for answers that do not seem to exist and painful questions that there seems to be no answer to.  

Since my diagnosis of terminal stage four liver and lung cancer last November, I wish I could say that I have been able to accept without question, that I have been able to trust and give it all to God, but I haven’t. . . Since writing my last blog the end of January, I have truly struggled for answers and wanted to write updates but been unsure of just what to say. Sitting at my kitchen table in early February with a realtor, having a monetary value placed on something that I have spent my entire adult life working for, leaving my home while random strangers walked through it seeing all the faults that I have not had the energy, money or time to fix—all these things have cut through my soul with many feelings I have struggled to deal with.  Knowing I was going to have to say good-bye to my favorite rock where I had spent hours pouring out my heart to God, seeing my dogwood trees, my daffodils and my blueberries starting to bloom and knowing they would no longer belong to me, watching the sunset from my living room window for the last time—yearning to trust, wanting to believe that “all things work together for good”—these have all left me struggling for answers, “Why God?”  My little church on the mountain with my special church family, especially Debbie, that have been my inspiration and spiritual strength through all the hard times while raising and educating my precious children, my special neighbors and friends that have always been there—having to turn around and leave these special people and my mountain is definitely one of the hardest things I have ever had to do in my life, “Why God?”

Was it just coincidence or did God directly send my friend Kim Hunt to stop by my house a week ago Sunday to say hello and invited me to go horseback riding with her on Thursday? I have always loved horses but never really had a chance to ride. After many days of cold and rain, this particular day was gorgeous with fluffy, white clouds in the sky, a soft wind whispering through the trees, fields full of beautiful yellow flowers and new growth on the trees as we trotted over the hills and through the woods. I felt God speak to my heart through the beauty around me as I sat in the saddle and felt the muscular strength of the confident animal that so effortlessly carried me, and I was reminded of the insignificance of my problems in the grand scheme of the world that surrounds me. Through the years, I have realized how easy it is to become fixated on the small stuff that at the time may seem so monumental but in God’s great universe is really very insignificant! The “small stuff” though seemingly insignificant to others is the fiber that makes up our lives in this world in which we live. The balance of life is so fragile, and when it becomes out of sync it leaves us struggling to regain our stability.

While packing I ran across an old book that I haven’t read in many years, written in 1962 by Carlyle Haynes. God Sent a Man, is the biblical story of the life of Joseph. In the forward the author states, “I would have you believe that the universe and everything in it, including every person and the whole of each person’s environment, with every event, every occurrence, every occasion, both good and bad, together with all human history, its wars, its victories and defeats, its developments and changes, its dynasties and reigns, are in the hands and under the control of beneficent God; and that ‘in everything God works for good with those who love Him, who are called according to His purpose.’ ”  The story of Joseph has always been a favorite of mine and reading this book at this time is my life, I believe was God’s way of reaching out to my struggling, human, cancer sick soul with the hope. Yes, life is hard, but truly God IS and always HAS been in control.

Joseph, the beloved son of a doting father, hated by his brothers, dreamer of dreams that seemed to signify an important future, sold as a slave, a commoner on the slave block, lied about after years of faithful service, thrown into prison and then forgotten and alone after helping his fellow prisoners—Joseph, who after years of discouraging events, was able to say to his brothers, “I am Joseph your brother, whom you sold into Egypt. But now, do not therefore be grieved or angry with yourselves because you sold me here; . . . God sent me before you"(Genesis 45:4-7). YOU sold me, but really it was a God thing, GOD sent me—such trust, such faith, such forgiveness! As I struggle with my life, my cancer, my losses, to not only say but really believe to the depth of my soul, "God, I don't understand, but it is YOUR plan, my life is in YOUR hands—everything that has happened, and is happening is really a God thing!

 My dear friend, Kim Ericson, sister to my heart, sent me the words to Twila Paris song: Warrior Is a Child lyric:

Lately I've been winning battles left and right

But even winners can get wounded in the fight

People say that I'm amazing

I'm strong beyond my years

But they don't see inside of me

I'm hiding all the tears

Chorus:

They don't know that I come running home when I fall down

They don't know who picks me up when no one is around

I drop my sword and cry for just a while

(Look up for His smile)

'Coz deep inside this armor

The warrior is a child

(Aahhh)

Unafraid because His arrow is the best

But even soldiers need a quiet place to rest

People say that I'm amazing

I never face retreat, oh no

But they don't see the enemies

That lay me at His feet

Chorus:

They don't know that I come running home when I fall down

They don't know who picks me up when no one is around

I drop my sword and cry for just a while

(Look up for His smile)

'Coz deep inside this armor

The warrior is a child

(Aahhh)

I love the words to that song because as Twila Paris says, "Lately I've been winning battles left and right!" Cancer is a terrible thing, but through this battle God has even now brought wonderful changes to my life. I no longer have to leave my family every weekend to go to Atlanta to work! I really miss my wonderful Northside family, but I no longer have to struggle with sleep deprivation because I am working all night then going to class the next day. My God fearing professors at Southern Adventist University allowed me to graduate last December with no pressure on finishing my degree. My life has gone from crazy busy to time for my family, my friends, and time to "stop and smell the roses!" My oncologist, Dr. Nadeau, had told me the best that I could hope for was for the slowing of the growth of my tumors, but my most recent CT scan on March 11, 2013, showed  not only no growth, but every tumor in my body had decreased in size! By human medical standards, these changes are totally against the diagnosis of Cholangiocarcinoma, MY diagnosis, which I was told is incurable and a lethal, extremely aggressive malignancy. My cancer had metastasized to my lungs when diagnosed, which made surgery, the only potentially curative treatment, out of the question for the advance stage of my disease. A random chance or a miracle? Cancer. Is it the enemy that invaded my body when I have tried to live a clean, healthy life with good nutrition, get adequate exercise, and have faith in God.  Though the years I have given my all so I could be independent, make a difference and support and educate myself and my family. Was this by chance or was it an opportunity for God to work miracles in my life?

My house, with the instability of our economy, sold in two weeks with three families bidding on it. The greatest miracle being that the wonderful Christian family who bought it is the son and daughter-in-law to my neighbors. They called me after the papers were signed to tell me of their prayers for my recovery and to encourage me with the fact that they had not bought it for profit. Someday, God willing, they will sell it back to us if we so desire. I was given that glimmer of hope that helped to sustain me through those heart wrenching days when I had to say good-bye to a house that was mine only because of a lifetime of hard work, but that now was impossible to take care of with my diagnosis. The day after I gave my home into the hands of the realtor, my beloved friend, Karen Harrington, my daughter’s mother-in-law, came and spent three days with me. Karen is the survivor of a tragedy, who has had the ability to turn her tragedy into a special gift of giving emotional support, financial resources, compassion and love to other families struggling with issues that she can understand and identify with. I was so blessed by her visit because she helped me turn my thinking around and recapture my dreams that had become buried by the craziness of my hectic life and my shattering diagnosis of terminal cancer.

After the contract on my house was signed, I had an appointment to go to Atlanta to meet with my CPA to complete my 2012 taxes. Since I had continued to travel to Atlanta every weekend till the middle of November, it was easier to file with someone that I had used for six years and knew my personal and financial history. I scheduled this appointment last February and God’s timing was so precise that it was perfect for my need to get away, be comforted and be surround by so much love and support! I thoroughly enjoyed going back to Atlanta, spending time with my wonderful, supportive friends Janice, Kathleen and Justina, and then having the opportunity to go back to Northside Hospital where I was amazed at the outpouring of faith, support and love. My heart was touched and my courage renewed, as I was engulfed by the tears in the eyes of these wonderful people who have been my family every weekend for the past seven years. I was given a book that was so lovingly put together by Tamera Anderson with pictures, words of conformation and inspiring letters of love. There were so many people I wanted to see that were not there that night. But to each of you: You are in my heart, and I continue to be uplifted by your friendship, love, support and prayers! I cherish each one of you, and even though we are separated by miles, you are in my heart every day, and I treasure the hope of continuing our friendship—staying in contact is SO important to me!

Several weeks ago, again the timing was such a God think, Diane Avant planned a special lunch at the English Rose Tearoom with four wonderful people, friends from years ago who have all had their lives nearly crushed by cancer but God and His love have triumphed! Listening to each story, sharing God’s goodness and just the companionship of special people who have been there was a memory I will cherish forever!

I have to mention the phone calls from my special friend Donna Duff, who hardly lets a day go by without checking in with words of encouragement, support and love—such a God thing! Donna, you have inspired me so much to hang in there, keep going and never give up! Also Tina, I know I NEVER would have made it through school without you! Such a daunting undertaking that has stressed our “simpleton brains to the max,” but through our many ups and down you have always believed in me! You never let me quit even though I knew I would not survive.I KNOW my wonderful friendships that I have made and will cherish deep in my heart for the rest of my life are one of the most important reasons God sent me back to school, and to then later to Southern Adventist University to continue and hopefully one day finish my degree! I also have to say a special thank you to my special sister-in-law, Terri, for being there with me through all my chemo and doctor appointments, and for always calling afterwards to check in on me to make sure I am OK!

 

Last week after my wonderful horseback riding experience, Meagan and I had the privilege of attending a very special wedding. Kim Ericson has been my special friend since sixth grade, but more like a sister because our family lives have been so entwined throughout the years. We have laughed and cried together, shared secrets, the birth of our children, the struggles of motherhood and the uncertainties of life—I have watched all three of her girls grow up. They are very special, beautiful girls that I love very much! Talia, her youngest daughter and a beautiful bride, pledged her love and her life to the man of her dreams on Sunday.  I was uplifted and inspired to be able to be a part in the beautiful outdoor ceremony in the gorgeous mountains of North Carolina. Young love, dreams for the future, health, hope and happiness are worlds apart from sickness and cancer! When days are dark and sometimes the sun is covered by dark clouds, it is so inspiring to be able to step back and see the newness of spring, the beauty of life through the eyes of the young. Thank you, Talia, for allowing me to be a part of your beautiful day! Your day renewed my faith!

My fear in writing this blog is that there are so many special people in my life who have been there for me, touched my heart and life, lifted me on wings of love and prayer, and supported me through the day by day ups and downs—I love you each and every one! I am only surviving by your daily love and support! (If I haven’t mentioned your name, you are not forgotten. You are deeply loved. But believe me a chemo brain is a very real thing)—THANK YOU!  So to my wonderful children, my mother and family, Debbie, Linda, Carri, Jodi, Kim, Salli, Heidi and a multitude of others— I could not, would not have survived without you, and I KNOW God put each one of you in my life for a very special purpose.

I had an appointment with Dr. Nadeau yesterday before starting round six of my chemo treatments. He is amazed at my progress, the shrinkage of my tumors, my overall health and my ability to bounce back after each treatment. The biggest issue I am dealing with is the gradual decline in my white blood cell count and platelets—each time dropping a little lower and without the comeback to being within normal limits. Three weeks ago Dr. Nadeau had me take a three day round of Neupogen, a drug that causes the bone marrow to produce more white blood cells. Unfortunately, one of the side effects is bone aches and flu like symptoms which have totally wiped me out. Since then I have been researching natural foods and ways to accomplish this same goal without the drug. I was pleased to see an increase in both my WBCs and platelets. Unfortunately, it was not quite enough so Dr. Nadeau still wants me to get the shots for three consecutive days. Many times natural remedies take longer, so even though it is discouraging to have to get the shots again, I am hopeful as time goes on the natural route will give me the desired results. I am so thankful for my time at Eden Valley and the faith and generosity of my church family and Donna McNeilus that made it a reality. Yesterday in the office, Dr. Nadeau stated his long term goal at this time is to get me through nine rounds of chemo, each round being three weeks with two weekly consecutive doses and then one week off. He then wants to let my body have a rest and monitor my tumors through scans, my energy level and symptoms. He keeps gently reminding me that Cholangiocarcinoma, MY diagnosis, is incurable and a lethal, extremely aggressive malignancy. Helen Keller knew what it meant to struggle with adversity and she once said, “Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, vision cleared, ambition inspired and success achieved.” Oh God, I’m so tired of character growth . . .

Dr. Nadeau, based on his medical knowledge and education, can predict what my cancer will do, but he did agree with me that my course has surprised him. I have done far better than he ever dreamed. Before Christmas he told me to go home and enjoy the holidays with my family because I only had ten to twelve months left to live. As I have reflected on these past months of my life, I have become even more aware that even though cancer is a terrible thing, God has used it and is using it in my life for growth. Those of you who know me best, know my love for quotes—several of my favorites are: “What doesn’t kill you makes you strong.” “My attitude is the only thing in life I have control of.” “The difference between stumbling blocks and stepping stones is how you use them.”  So I come back to my original question: Do things in life happen for a reason or is each of us just riding the currents of life with arbitrary coincidences and experiences that affects us randomly without reason or purpose? I believe, even though I struggle, that God is in control of my life and my days, “Seeing his (my) days are determined, the number of his (my) months are with Thee” (Job 15:5). So whatever my future holds, whether I live or die, whether I am healed or continue to struggle and suffer, only God knows—I find great comfort in my faith and knowing that God does care, and He can and will use my situation. Each life is precious in His sight, and if one person is brought closer to Jesus because of my illness then I am truly humbled that God sees me fit to be a vessel for His use.

Life is but a weaving between my Lord and me;
I cannot choose the colors He worketh steadily.
Oft times He weaveth sorrow and I, in foolish pride,
Forget He sees the upper, and I the underside.

Not til the loom is silent and the shuttles cease to fly,
Shall God unroll the canvas and explain the reason why.
The dark threads are as needful in the Weaver's skillful hand,
As the threads of gold and silver in the pattern He has planned.

He knows, He loves, He cares, nothing this truth can dim.
He gives His very best to those who leave the choice with Him.                                                                                                                                                  UNKNOWN

When we were in the middle of moving, I was struggling, time was running short and everyone was completely over it, Eric came up to me and put his arm around me and said, “Just remember Mom what you’ve always taught us, it’s all just sand castles!” What more can I say—God is SO good, and I am SO blessed!

I have to close with a Bible verse that has been one of my favorites through the years—God knows my mistakes, my weakness and my struggles—

 I waited patiently for the Lord; and he inclined unto me, and heard my cry.

 He brought me up also out of a horrible pit, out of the miry clay, and set my feet upon a rock, and established my goings.

And he hath put a new song in my mouth, even praise unto our God: many shall see it, and fear, and shall trust in the Lord. . .

Many, O Lord my God, are Your wonderful works which You have done, and Your thoughts which are towards us: they cannot be reckoned up in order unto You: if I would declare and speak of them, they are more than can be numbered. . . .

Withhold not Your tender mercies from me, O Lord: let Your loving kindness and Your truth continually preserve me.

For innumerable evils have compassed me about: mine iniquities have taken hold upon me, so that I am not able to look up; they are more than the hairs of my head: therefore my heart fails me. . .

 Be pleased, O Lord, to deliver me: O Lord, make haste to help me. . . .

 But I am poor and needy; yet the Lord thinks about me: You are my help and my deliverer; make no tarrying, O my God.

                                                                                                Psalms 40